By Neeti Paul Sethi
“I only want the best for my child. Then why isn’t she/he listening to me?”
This is a common frustration of every parent. Let’s explore this issue a little deeper here.
When our child is not listening or understanding, the first rule is to stay patient. Even if we have to explain something a hundred times to them, we should do it in the same tone, with love and patience.
Lord Krishna was so patient with Arjun that he went on for 18 chapters till Arjun understood the concept, accepted it and ultimately surrendered. Krishna didn’t get irritated or lose his patience. He didn’t raise his voice. He kept explaining lovingly till Arjun had no more doubts. This is hard to practice, really hard. But this is what we need to do. With practice we get better every day.
Anger will not get us any result. In fact, it might push our child away from us as they will close their mind and block us out. It’s all in the tone. If our tone is loving, patient and respectful (yes kids need to be respected too!), there’s a good chance they will eventually listen. That is the only way. Shouting at them or expressing disappointment will only make them resent us. And no-one listens to someone they resent, no matter how logical they are. No-one is saint enough to allow their mind to accept something, from someone screaming at them. It’s natural, a human does not have any control over this reaction. So instead of expecting them to understand that deep down our intentions are honourable, we need to understand the right way to communicate. We need to figure out how to get through to them effectively.
It involves lot of failures and disappointments, frustration even. But the trick is to keep experimenting. Try to find what they care about and maybe learn to care about that too. Sometimes it helps to share our mistakes and vulnerability with them. To let them see that we are not perfect, we have made mistakes and hence we would like them to learn from them. We would like them to learn what we know. We might not know everything; however, we do know a thing or two and we would like them to take advantage of that.
Letting them see us as normal human beings who don’t always know what they are doing, might give them the courage to open up to us. It might encourage them to share more without feeling stupid or inadequate.
It’s not easy, shedding the mask of perfection that most parents put on in front of their kids. But the trick is in accepting that we are not perfect and that sometimes our kids can be right and us wrong. They have a fully developed brain and perspective, even at a very young age. And we need to work together with them. We are responsible for co-creating their life. To think that we have the right to take over their lives is just wrong. It’s a partnership. It deserves to be treated like one.
We think we are disciplining them. But we are in reality programming them. Programming them to obey commands in a certain manner. That’s what one does with computers, not humans.
I am not against the practice of disciplining our kids. That’s a requirement in this world. We need to provide a set of rules and norms to go by so that the acceptable and unacceptable aspects of human behaviour are clear to them. As parents it’s our job to make sure that our kids are safe, and those around them are safe too. We need to make sure that we raise good human beings who are not toxic for the society, as much as we ensure that they aren’t exposed to anyone or anything harmful. So, believe me, I am very serious about raising my child the right way and instilling correct values as I aspire to nurture this tiny human being into a responsible adult.
What I am against however is projecting our insecurities, fears and redundant beliefs on them.
Also, expecting them to behave in a certain way, while we continue to behave in another. It’s a bit unfair. Whatever happened to leading by example? Practicing before preaching? If we expect respect from them, we need to be equally respectful towards them. If we are showering affection and love on them, there is no way our child is not affectionate in return. They just learn from us, pick up our habits. So, if they are lacking something, then so are we. We need to be mindful of how we behave. It’s not just something we tell them to do. It’s something we display every day. Let actions do the work for us and save ourselves the trouble of giving lectures.
We think it’s okay to boss around and impose our wishes on them, shout at them at the slightest mistake. We think it’s okay to make decisions for them and make them feel less than adequate just because they didn’t perform a certain task in a specific manner. If that’s the kind of parents we are, we don’t have a lot to be proud of.
It’s very easy to lose our cool and shout, some may even hit. People actually think it’s okay to take out their frustration on these little vulnerable people who can’t really hurt us back. It’s very easy to assume we are in charge and feel powerful because their lives depend on us.
What is truly heroic is for us to be respectful towards their wishes, their individuality and listen, really listen to them. Before making a schedule for them, or deciding what’s best for them, give them an opportunity to share what they like and dislike, understand their strengths and weaknesses. Few kids genuinely don’t have any inclination or plan. They need directions more than others. It’s okay to guide them and give them a nudge when they won’t budge. Some, however, have an idea of where they are going or would like to go. And to be robbed of that chance to even make their case is utter cruelty.
Pushing your introvert kid to socialize beyond their comfort might be in their best interest, however, it could lead to bullying and depression when kids can’t handle themselves among peers. Don’t push them, they will learn to interact, at their own pace. They will find their way around; they will reach where they belong. Enable them, help them out but don’t pressurize them.
Similarly, restricting them excessively might lead to rebellion in long term. Do you really want to order them around or would rather be their confidant? Whatever you choose, be ready for the consequences. Because parenting is about making choices, at every step.
To steer them towards a certain direction, because it’s in their best interest, is a parent’s job. But this is a process that requires both parent and child to work together. It’s most productive when both are invested and able to contribute to the process. There may be disagreements, disappointments even. If you truly want their happiness, you will refrain from being too rigid. You need to put their wishes before your pride and desires. And sometimes, you would need to play the bad guy and let them hate you for a while, for their own good. Therefore, it is a delicate process and requires an open mind and an honest will, along with a lot of patience.
I hope we as parents are committed fully to this process and find that balance where we understand, respect and are able to help our child. There will be some successful and some not so successful attempts and there will be amusing stories to tell. As long as our intention is to truly help them, we cannot go horribly off track. And the journey, no doubt, will be worth every moment.
Note: These are my personal opinions and have worked out very well for me. If you agree with nothing else, at least learn to respect your kids and treat them like another human being. Everything else will flow from there.
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