By Neeti Paul Sethi
Let me contradict myself in the first line itself by saying that it’s usually not the heart that’s hurt, but the ego. Humans are a sensitive lot, and that’s how it’s meant to be. So there should be no shame around feeling vulnerable, humiliated, or hurt. It is normal to be upset about being mistreated. Instead of suppressing the feeling of hurt you should acknowledge it and give it some space. Being open about how it makes you feel allows you to deal with it sooner rather than later.
People often care too much about their image and reputation. More than their self-esteem and sense of self-worth even. Every time you allow someone to treat you unfairly, harshly, or simply ignore your existence, you are allowing them to determine your value. If you are not able to establish boundaries around what’s acceptable to you, how can you blame others for overstepping? By not taking a stand you are being a party to the injustice. You need to respect yourself before you expect others to do so. When you respect and value yourself, you start making choices that resonate with you and seem worthy of your time, instead of the ones that are just good for your image.
Another habit that’s very addictive is getting into victim consciousness. Believing that you are the innocent victim in all scenarios and the world is constantly conspiring against you. Always finding the perfect logic to prove your righteousness, and firmly believing that you can make no mistake. You prefer to wait like a damsel to be saved from your distress because you are too helpless to influence the situation on your own. If this sounds like you, yes you do need to be saved but from your own ideologies.
Hoping for a savior to do all your dirty work is like asking a colleague to finish your work and still taking home the entire salary. What’s in it for them? Someone can be there for you once, twice, but not always. Neither is it fair of you to expect someone to stop living and fighting for themselves and be at your constant beck and call.
It’s up to you to be your own savior and to take charge and direct the course of every situation. Your desire to come across as a good person should not be at the cost of your mental peace. Instead of caring about looking good to others, you should make choices that make you feel good. You should be willing to accept judgment if you get to determine your fate. You can handle criticism if you get to have the final say. You should be kind, considerate, and generous to people. But, you can reserve the right to be indifferent to those who don’t deserve your attention and energy, or who have hurt you in any way. Especially the ones who will not care about you being nice, and continue being mean, selfish, and ungrateful. Some people are beyond help, and you cannot transform them with kindness or unconditional love. So save your energy for the ones who truly deserve it, and start with your own self.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to set a good example and be the light bearer for change and all of those fancy ideologies. But it may not be applicable in every situation. You need to be present enough to determine which scenario requires which version of you and what best role you can play at any given point. Being forgiving and considerate at all times may not serve any purpose. You are allowed multiple personalities and you can still be a very special combination of all these versions that have potential, yet stay hidden within, waiting for the right time to pop up.
So, back to where we started. Nursing your hurt (heart or ego) requires a very strong and active support system that you must build around yourself. Being surrounded by a grounded, patient, and wise group instills in you the patience, resilience, and strength to find the right answers and use the correct methods. Whereas, being around youthful, courageous, and goal-oriented people keeps your zeal, will, and effort in motion. The intellectuals keep you stimulated and the artists keep you entertained and remind you to have fun and be creative. The spiritual or religious company you keep ensures that you are mentally and emotionally stable and capable of handling the pressures of life, and the fitness enthusiasts keep you healthy, active, and physically strong. The aspects of your personality, and the relationships you nurture, are interdependent. So, the company you keep is extremely vital in shaping your character and personality. People tend to be strongly influenced by the conversations they engage in, and the content they consume. You must choose your company wisely and over time nurture your interactions and relationships to build a positive support system that works both ways.
This support system need not be just inclusive of people. It can include various activities such as reading, writing, gardening, traveling, singing, dancing, painting, praying, meditating, and whatnot. Your hobbies and passion constitute a big part of your support system. In fact, they are the soul of your support system, and the people you interact with while pursuing these might be your soul group.
It is naive to think that you can find all of the qualities you need in a companion in just one person. You cannot burden one relationship with multiple expectations. Everyone has different qualities and roles to play in your life and you should learn to value them for what they bring to the table, rather than getting disappointed by what they lack. Having a varied set of people in your life and nurturing different aspects of your personality is extremely helpful when one of the aspects is undergoing a downfall. The other aspects of your life and routine are like pillars that ensure that you don’t fall apart when one of them is not going well. For instance, if you are facing problems in your romantic relationship, you can maintain a balance by having a great social life. If your social life has taken a back seat, your family time can keep you going. When you are not doing so well at work, your hobbies and passion can still keep you uplifted and busy, ensuring that you don’t sink into depression or bouts of unworthiness. When nothing seems to work, you have your spiritual practices and faith to bring everything together and rebuild your confidence. Being dependent on one social group, or one personality trait is highly risky, because when that tends to waiver, you may feel that your whole life is shaking. You must establish several pillars to hold the fort that is your life.
Healing your heart and living a healthy and happy life is easy when you have a great support system and a multi-faceted life. It keeps your relationships lighter and not so overburdened by the load of over expectations, and it makes you a great company to be around as you end up bringing a lot of variety to the mix, with lesser baggage to deal with. To heal fast, you need to reduce your dependence on others, but even if you have to, you can distribute the load. So, try this, my friends. Include more good things in your life and you will not be hurt easily. Even if you do, you will not fall apart easily. Even if you do, you will be picked up and put back together faster and far more easily.
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